All this shit... Can I say shit?

Bonus bonus bonus! That's right I'm writing for the second day in a row. It's great to be back to writing frequently again. Ok so two days in a row isn't exactly habit, sue me.

First class of the day was really dull. A banker came in to talk about global leadership and ended up speaking about debt, TARP, and power companies. Needless to say I didn't pay attention. My second class was a little more interesting because a guest speaker came. This was no ordinary guest speaker. He was a hippie. Like the kind you read about or see in those crazy films. It was the greatest. He kept saying things like trippy and groovy. Here are some quotes:

-"All this shit... Can I say shit?"
-"When was the last time you felt at one? I mean you've probably felt at 2, 3, or 4."
-"It's like a good hit of pot or an awesome shot of whiskey."
-"I'm no freaking Boy Scout."
-"Get stoned and watch Oprah."
-"Dragonflies are trippy animals. Have you ever looked at a dragonfly? It's like an acid trip."

I love the opportunities open to me through my education. I'm taking the Oprah one as a homework assignment. But he was a great guy. The class participation was greatly increased and there was a relaxed atmosphere even prompting one lady to say that her spirit animal was a squirrel.... So it got uncomfortable after that.

After my last class I left to go to work. Work is always fun even when the lady I work with is kind of weird and babies poop. I can't complain because at least I have a job. And I have to be thankful I'm not a CNA. Wiping baby ass is WAY better than wiping old people ass. No offense CNA's. Someone's got to do it. Just not me.

Tonight Saige, Paige, Daley, and I went to dinner than to the Tuesday night movie. We went to dinner at Zuppa's. Basically amazing until Saige literally spit water all over me. I guess it was kind of my fault because I made her laugh but still it went everywhere. The worst part about it is that most of it came from her nose. Great. Well we all got a good laugh from it. The movie we saw tonight was "Tangled." It was really cute and I always enjoy a good Disney cartoon. I'd mention what Saige said before the movie about Daley but I know that she would kill me and I would probably be contacted from concerned parents because of the sexual explicitness of the comment.

Driving home was an experience in it's own. I got called a gnome because of the way I talk when I shiver, we realized the dangers of crossing the street, I hurt Paige by leaning back too far, I found out who my real mother is, and Will Smith's daughter whipped her hair back in forth. Some advice to the young girl: It was cute the first time but the next forty times it got annoying. Stop. Whip lash is a serious medical ailment. Remember I said that when you have to wear a neck brace.

To finish up the evening we were walking through the frigid cold when Daley spotted them, about 10 deer running through campus. It was so majestic as they bounded by Chapel Glen... Then we saw the kid running behind them. It ruined the moment. He continued to chase them across Legacy Bridge and if they haven't gotten tired yet, is probably still chasing them. Got to admire his determination.

A special note to Sarah and Liz: you missed out.

It was something like this, only reversed. 

THE FIRST CHRSTMAS CARD OF THE SEASON IS HERE!!

I love Saige and Paige.

3 posts in 1 night??? You lucky kidz.

If Megan Klein were a peanut m&m...

she'd look like this: Sometimes the truth hurts.

Congratulations Mr. Y!!!! He successfully cooked the turkey without setting it on fire this year.

Thanksgiving was just great. I got to see the family, play some rock band, and win money gambling with the aunts and grandma. Realistic drawings are always nice, but can be hurtful when someone draws your zits... Kristin learned this the hard way when our 10? year old cousin drew a picture of her.

Annnyway after dinner I went to the Keffeler household in footie pajamas. No thanksgiving is complete without them. Yeah, me and Taylor did buy footie pj's at target in the little boys section and have been waiting for the right opportunity to wear them. And so what if we just sat on her couch and played angry birds for ...a while?

Friday sucked. After a failed salt lake house hunt, we attempted to make breakfast sandwiches. Breakfast sandwiches are not good if the only thing in them is undercooked sausage. But what could make eating nasty breakfast sandwiches/rolls and sausage better, you ask? Watching freeeeeaking Richie Rich of course! False. Richie doesn't make anything better. Unless you're a Richie fan? Anyway the rest of the night. drunk people. kinda funny. mojos. back to kaysville. home. ...facebook.

facts: creeps are creepy. Douchebags aren't intentionally funny.

And yes, it is true. One should not exercise, even for 15 minutes, when sick. Why? Because after your workout, in the locker room, you will feel super dizzy, won't be able to find the door, smack you face on ...something, scrape your knee caps, and eventually will wake up to a very concerned girl talking to you while you're wondering how you ended up lying under the counter. It was actually quite hilarious after I realized what had happened. But the day ended on a good note because I spilled cereal all over Allison's rug.

You're north of me.

Wow it's been too long. How has everyone been? Just kidding don't answer that. This is not your blog.

The blizzard of 2010 was a let down but the aftershock was much more impressive. We actually had snow accompanying the extreme cold and wind. So kudos to you God, Buddha, or your chosen higher deity, you showed all the complainers.

Driving. It's a curious thing that almost everyone experiences and almost everyone is bad at it. There is an unwritten driving etiquette that everyone must abide by. On the road, unlike in life, a simple apologetic wave of your hand can change the mood of the person you just screwed over. For example, some bitch cuts me off and just as I'm conjuring up some swear words to yell, she looks back and waves with a sorry look on her face. All is forgiven. It's the same for thanking someone. For example, if I take the time to put on my brakes and let you in line I expect a wave. To not do so is the highest form of blasphemy. I've been known to chase people down. One of most important rules is that if I'm driving on the freeway and you're driving a Toyota Tercel, you may NOT pass me. It's embarrassing to me and my car. Stay back near the semi trucks. Especially if you're license plate reads "tank." I speak from experience.

Last Thursday was Thanksgiving. Naturally that means the next day is Black Friday. TGIDWIR meaning, Thank God I Don't Work In Retail. I feel bad for those poor souls who have to work in the morning on Black Friday. I refuse to participate in Black Friday. It is what future generations will look back on in shame. It reveals the absolute lowest form of human compassion. If I have to punch an old lady to get the last auburn t-shirt, an xbox, and a microwave, I'll pass. I'd rather keep my sanity and shop online.

I saw two movies over Thanksgiving break, "127 Hours" and "Love and Other Drugs." The first was amazing. It's the true story of Aron Ralston and his survival adventure in the canyons in southern Utah. For looking at the same guy for an hour in a half it was amazing and brutal. The second was not as great. Two hours of Anne Hathaway's boobs got old. The story line was predictable. And there were just some really weird parts.

Today I went to the store with Saige, Daley, and Paige. We saw kids steal chips, we looked for cheese, and we contemplated over soap and chewy bars. On the way home Saige started saying I was north of her, which wasn't true because we were driving east but she kept insisting. Turns out Saige thinks she is the center of the universe. Then she fell in the snow. Karma is a bitch. When Daley and I got back to the dorm she spilled all her cereal saying, "I didn't know it was upside down... and open." This is what I have to deal with.

Daley had a health scare today passing out at the gym and probably scaring the crap out of a stranger. Walking around to find an asian passed out on the ground makes one question everything. I'm happy to report Daley is alive and well. All she needed was a good blow to the head and some wheat thins. Lesson of the day: never exercise when sick.

That's all for now. Until next time, get yourself tested, avoid snow banks, and drink plenty of water.

The Storm of 2010

I won't waste anytime and I'll just say it. Harry Potter was amazing. Sorta. Daley, Kristen, Nicole, and I went to THE sketchiest theater in the state of Utah to see this movie. Attached to the theater was a little kids amusement park. Perfect place for kidnappers. After buying fake piercings, convincing a lady they were real, and talking about old disney channel movies we sat around for two hours and waited in anticipation for the movie to start. Finally 12:01 hit and everyone went nuts as the familiar tune played. Kristen made this movie 20x better by laughing inappropriately at parts and yelling advice to the characters on screen like, "It's a trap!" It was great. So great that I went and saw it again with my sister Stephanie. She was privileged enough to sit by the biggest man in the theater and I was fortunate to sit by the girl who cried too hard at the sad parts and had a knack for predicting the movie. It's like she read a manuscript of the movie before it came out, or a book. Weird.

Oh by the way, the dog's name was a false alarm. Griffin was too hard to remember for some people so the name of the dog has been changed to Cooper. We'll see how long that lasts. In other new news I was appointed the Public Relations Director of the College Democrats. Which I think is a made up position but hey I'll take what I can get. 

Today there was a blizzard warning in northern Utah. The news was reporting that there would be record breaking snow and cold conditions and people were legitimately fearing a snow storm of apocalyptical proportions. My school was cancelled for the first time in my life. To get school cancelled in Utah there has to be a real danger of snow fall. For real Nevada schools get out for an inch, Utah gets 6 feet and the news station reminds you to bring your snow shoes on the way to work. So anyway, people were hyping up this storm to the extreme. When I got to Ogden I went to Erin and Jordan's house and it started. The Storm of 2010. Erin, Jordan, Riley, and I did many things to kill time. We played Sally Salon and NBA 2K11. Too much. Never start playing Sally Salon. You'll never stop. We also decided to make a documentary of the events that took place during the storm. The movie will hopefully be coming soon. After about four hours the wind and snow died down enough that I chanced driving home. The roads were better than a normal winters day. The blizzard was way too played up. It is very cold but the lack of snowfall had many people discouraged and disappointed that the blizzard wasn't as dangerous as initially advertised. Because people love dangerous storms. So all in all the storm of 2010 was a bit of a let down. Maybe the sequel will be better. Like Spider Man. 

Polar Opposites.

I am currently obsessed with Modest Mouse. Hence the title of the blog.

Yesterday while walking to leadership a girl came up behind me and said I should start wearing arch support in my shoes because I walk on the inside of my feet. I don't know whether to take this as a good tip or to just be creeped out. I'm going to say the latter. After sitting in class for half an hour the professor cancelled class because the guest speaker wasn't coming. Being stood up by a guest speaker? That's low. At least call or something. But it bought be an hour to do absolutely nothing so I guess it could be considered a win. After much debate I decided to go to my bad word class only to find out it was cancelled. College is a breeze. I don't know why anyone would have a hard time.

Today I had a third interview for becoming an orientation leader. It was a group interview with nine other people and we had to work together to solve a hypothetical situation. We were put in a room and surrounded by about 6 people from the orientation office taking careful notes on everything we said, needless to say it was a bit unnerving. The situation was we had to choose five out of ten people to be cut from a fake college. This one girl in my group got really into the assignment. I think she even forgot that is was a hypothetical situation when she developed strong feelings of hate towards one of the people on the list. Some people's kids.

Tonight Madison, Daley, Nicholas, Isaac, and I went to a Harry Potter party put on by the Harry Potter Alliance. The e-mail sent out about the event made it sound really amazing and gave me high expectations for the event. Upon showing up, however, all those expectations were shattered. First of all, there was no butter beer. Second of all, the "wizard game" was Jenga. Third of all, one of the raffle items was a tennis ball in a sock, or the snitch from our game of Quidditch we played forever ago. After about fifteen minutes we left kind of feeling sorry that the HPA probably spent more money putting on the event then they would actually make. We rode the shuttle back up and Daley and I were laughing so hard we were crying about this one kid riding the shuttle sitting next to Madison. I say kid because I don't know whether to say girl or boy. We then went to Cafe Rio and Nicholas made Mountain Dew out of various sodas and we saw a lady with a floor length puffy coat. Oh and I used the men's bathroom to avoid peeing my pants because the lady in the women's bathroom was taking her sweet time or she fell into the toilet. Either way I was mad because boy's bathrooms smell like pee. And there was graffiti on the toilet seat. Sketchy.

There are some kids playing guitar out in front of the dorms.  While resisting the urge to grab my cowbell and join in on the jam session, I listened to some of the lyrics. "Livin in the dorms. Chapel Glen 804. Nanana I'm a Halo whore." Something along those lines. There are also some people playing with the ol' pig skin (football as I'm told) in the hallway. Special people live in Chapel Glen. Really special people.

I feel like I'm a sitcom when I write.

I feel like I'm a sitcom because it's becoming a habit to only write once a week. Every Monday tune in and read whats new, exciting, and black. The downside of this is that no one gets voted off, there are no daring stunts, no one has to eat pig rectum, no promiscuous sex is going on, I haven't had to perform open heart surgery with only a pad of post it notes at my disposal, and let's be honest I'm no "Seinfeld". But it still kills time and provides a chuckle or two.

This week has been as exciting as the last. I started work and have changed more diapers in the last week then I have ever changed in my whole life. Kids poop a lot. It's annoying. GET POTTY TRAINED ALREADY. Jeez.

This week's movie was "Due Date." I must say I was throughly disappointed by this movie. Robert Downy Jr. spit in a dog's face and was almost too much of an ass hole to handle. And Zac Galifinakis (or however you spell it) was the same character he plays in every movie. It's like they called him up and said, "Bring the satchel and act exactly how you did in 'The Hangover.'" The guy is insanely funny but I want to see him in more roles like the one he played in "It's Kind of a Funny Story." That's just my opinion. Saige loved the movie. But Saige is easily amused by shiny things so we can't trust her opinion much.

I honestly can't remember what else happened this week. My weekend consisted of babysitting drunk people, seeing Bonneville's play "Hello Dolly", visiting with old friends, and hanging out with the damn family. Love those guys. We finally figured out a name for the new puppy. Drum roll please... And the name is..... Griffin! That was way too played up. I think it suits him though. Well it will over time because we aren't changing the damn name.

Tonight I went to the Jazz game with Conor, Saige, and Daley. What a fun event until they lost. But whatever we still had fun, got free hotdogs, and saw the best guy. He got on the Jumbotron 3 times and I think was either drunk or crazy. Or both.

I need to either start making up stories or get a more exciting life. Or start writing more than just once a week since my memory is worse than BYU's Football team (DIS). God I love pretending to care about college sports.

Some things to ponder until next time:
1. Will the "Let's Talk about Sex" seminar the HC is hosting consist of the awkward kids whose parents either didn't let them watch cable TV or who didn't have the balls to tell them about the birds and the bees?
2. Was that last sentence a run-on sentence?
3. Is there a sex scene in the new Harry Potter?
4. Is Daley really afraid of the dark? (Spoiler alert! Yes.)
5. Will the real Slim Shady ever stand up? Or decide on one name?
6. God how many times has that joke been used?

Come on Elizibitch let's go get Lucky Charms.

It's been way too long since I've last written. I apologize to everyone but I swear this week flew by and before I could write again it had been a week.

Let's see what has happened this week... Not much judging by the fact I'm writing these sentences to take up space and hopefully to keep you reading. I went to East High this week to present a leadership workshop to the student government class there. They have a men's croquet club there which is kind of weird because it's croquet... This isn't England. Be American, play baseball, and eat some freedom fries. Even though freedom fries were a result of France not wanting to help us or something, it's still American. I love patriotic extremists.

I volunteered at the U of U football game on Saturday and took people's recycling from them. I got yelled at by some guy when I wouldn't let him throw his cardboard in the bin. "I'm an expert at recycling! Are you telling me paper is not recyclable?!" He yelled as I tried to explain we were only collecting bottles and cans. People these days. Everyone thinks they are an expert at recycling. I almost scored beer until some students asked if they could have it while uncontrollably giggling. I remember my first beer. Oh and the U lost. First home game loss since 2007. Which sucks because now I'll have to hear about it for the next 9 weeks.

This week was my dad's birthday so my siblings, my mom, and I decided to get him a puppy as a surprise present. Steph and I went to a no kill shelter in Salt Lake and we were introduced to a 3 month old black lab. Let's just say we fell in love. He was perfect. So Saturday we carted him to Ogden and for the next two days watched him run around the house, scare my other dog, poop, pee, and sleep. But we still love him. Puppies are so freaking cute. My dad was super surprised and happy (I think) and Abby, my other dog, is still pissed. We still need a name fro the little guy though. So if any ideas come to mind, let me know!

Today I had my mom rush me to Salt Lake in the snow thinking I was going to be late to my first day of work at the YWCA. When I got there all they did was give me this giant binder of paper and they told me to read it and come back Wednesday. So thank you mom for risking life and limb to get me to work so I could get my binder. Your bravery is unlike any I have ever seen.

After sitting in my room, making popcorn, burning my tongue, writing a paper for my bad words class, and Facebook stalking, it was time for dinner. Tonight's dinner wasn't as prolonged as usual but just as eventful. Saige stole Sarah's phone (after I told her to, sorry Sarah) and it proceeded to get passed around the table right under Sarah's nose before ending up in a place few have ever went and survived. Saige's butt. Poor Sarah. I truly feel bad.

Oh I started working for the ChaCha search engine. I get paid 2 cents per answer! Big money big money!!! I get the weirdest questions. I think the weirdest one I've gotten so far is "How can I tell if my girlfriend has an STD just by looking?" That sounds like a solid relationship right there.

There isn't much else to say. Making my class schedule for next semester is a bitch. I miss my new dog. Music is my love. And that's how babies are made. Until next time. Do everyone a favor and don't procreate.

Is a 'knut' a thing in real life or only in Harry Potter?

I asked Daley this question while playing Bananagrams and it turns out a "knut" is a form of money in Harry Potter and the name of a polar bear. This polar bear named Knut has gotten so much attention because everyone wants it to procreate. I swear when a polar bear is born it has so much pressure from the world to have kids that it is no wonder that it can't perform.

It's been an eventful weekend. On Friday night Saige, Paige, and Liz came over to carve pumpkins. We put the pictures on Facebook and had people vote for their favorite. Coming in first was the cat pumpkin (pictured below) carved by our very own Liz. And coming in dead last was the chaige pumpkin (not pictured) carved by yours truly. Carving pumpkins is not my forte. After a visit from Daley and Taylor, Liz, Paige, and I went to the Rocky Horror Picture Show. This is always an interesting event to attend. For those who don't know the Rocky Horror Picture Show is a movie made in the 1970's played every year around Halloween only to draw crowds, young and old, to come watch gyrating aliens and transvestites from Transylvania. The fun part about this experience is it is an interactive movie so at the beginning you get a goody bag and at certain points in the movie you use the contents in the bag to support what is going on in the movie. My favorite is when they are unwrapping a mummy on screen everyone throws rolls of toilet paper around the theatre and it becomes a giant war of TP.

This year instead of staying in Utah for Halloween, Conor, Morgan, and I decided to go to Colorado instead to visit our friend Nicholas and to attend the Utah vs. Air Force football game. To get to Colorado by 3:00 we had to leave Utah at 4:30 in the morning, or so we thought. Here is what happened over those two days:

Saturday 
4:27 AM-- Depart from Ogden on our 9 hour drive while listening to "Send Me On My Way."
5:28 AM-- We arrive in Wyoming and for 45 minutes talked about "Survivor."
6:53 AM-- Eat at McDonalds and encounter other die hard Utes fans heading to the game.
7:40 AM-- We look over to see one sheep standing on the road with no other sheep in sight. Conor starts singing that black sheep song.
11:07 AM-- We finally arrive in Colorado.
11:14 AM-- We do a "Friends Cheer" because we are two hours ahead of schedule! Sorta.
12:34 PM-- Sudden realization that leaving at 4:30 in the morning was all for none because 4:30-3:00 is ten and a half hours, not nine hours needed to reach Colorado Springs.
12:34-Rest of the trip PM-- In disbelief that we miscalculated the trip time by that much.
1:34 PM-- Arrived at destination of Colorado Springs. And spent about 15 minutes trying to find our damn hotel.
3:09 PM-- "That's a giant Dicks.... Sporting Goods." Oh Morgan.
3:47 PM-- Eating lunch in Colorado Springs surrounded by Air Force fans and if that weren't bad enough I broke my tostada.
4:31 PM-- Arrived at the football game.
5:22 PM-- The National Anthem was played with all the Air Force Cadets on the field. There were parachuters before and a flyover by F-22's (I think) basically the Air Force knows how to host a football game.
5:32 PM-- Saw Nicholas for the first time in 5 months.
9:47 PM-- Broke the rules to get Nicholas on the base.
10:53 PM-- Went bowling and for once in my life I was actually playing decent.


Sunday

12:24 AM-- Attempted to catch a bunny.

12:48 AM-- Snuck into hotel pool and broke my toe while climbing the fence. It hurts like hell and probably wasn't worth it.8:30 AM-- Wake up to Conor's alarm.
8:30 AM-- Woke up to Conor's alarm.
9:29 AM-- Eating at Village Inn with our Sicilian waiter from "Sicilia" right Nick?
10:34 AM-- Mini golf at the greatest mini golf course of all time.
12:13 PM-- Played 36 holes. Nicholas won, I came in second, Conor in third, and Morgan was honorable mention.
12:40 PM-- Dropped off Nick at the Air Force Academy.
1:10 PM-- On the road to home again.
3:14 PM-- Amateur storm chasers heading into the eye of the storm.
5:10 PM-- "I went camping and I brought with me a... Piece of fish." Conor lost this game.
7:09 PM-- My turn for driving the car was over.
9:31 PM-- Home at last and we actually did make pretty good time.

This weekend was definitely one for the books. Sleep deprivation, broken bones, and 18 hours of driving in two days all to see Nicholas and I have to say it was all worth it.

This is Liz's winning pumpkin.